seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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