Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
