i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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