Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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