I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
