I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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