I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
