Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
