Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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