u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
