i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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