I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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