At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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