is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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