I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
