we're chasing vodka with high fives
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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