it hurts more in the daytime
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
