its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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