Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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