Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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