When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
