How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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