already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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