If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
