Someone shit on the floor
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
