google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
bring money and cleavage
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
