: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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