Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
