I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
