im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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