I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
