More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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