i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
