How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
