Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
