Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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