She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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