He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
