He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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