So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
this will be a night to untag.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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