You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
