mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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