Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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