You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
