I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
