Moan for me like Helen Keller
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
there is puke in my bra ... again
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
