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My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
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