we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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