I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He called his prostate his "boner button".
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
