you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
